January: Endings

As you have all heard many times before, 2012 was The Year of Caryn so it only made sense that I did a year-end recap of the year’s events. However, that list got crazy long so this year I want to take time at the end of each month in 2013 to reflect and preserve those memories.

Although January usually represents new beginnings and fresh starts, January for me was all about the endings.

January was a blur. It went by stupid fast and then when I stopped to breathe, it was over. Between deciding to move cross country, saying goodbye to family and friends, new and old, friendships ending, and closing the Chicago chapter of my life, everything seemed to end at the stroke of midnight on January 31st. January was a lesson in having faith in my decisions and the courage to not look back. It was continuing on the path of making dreams happen. It was staying calm, embracing the whirlwind of so many emotions, and having the kahunas to make life altering changes. It was taking the unknown road instead of the comfortable one. It was about saying “No” and not staying in Chicago for anyone or anything. It was standing up and doing what was best for me and putting myself first. It was about being strong and confident in myself. January was all about the goodbyes and endings.

Right from the get-go, January started off with being surrounded by some of my favorite people – an indicator of what will hopefully be for the rest of the year. I brought in the New Year with good friends, playing Cards Against Humanity and opening champagne bottles with sabers. It was full of glorious amounts of food that I couldn’t eat because I started “Eating Clean” to be healthier. It was glitter heels and tuxedos. It was the beginning of what I suspect will be many road trips with Maxie. It was working side-by-side with Terra at her dining room table to keep her company while enjoying her presence and not feeling compelled to fill the silence. It was spending quality time with Stacey, finally meeting her hubby in person, sushi dinners and seeing her new home. It was spending a week living on a friend’s pullout couch, walking around DC, scheduling and looking at over 20 apartments, all while having the flu.

January was about making huge life changes. It was good and bad first dates. It was getting mother-daughter mani/pedi’s together and going to the casino with my parents to celebrate my mother’s birthday. It was confusion: going from having an apartment to not having the apartment anymore, to nearly giving up the desire to move at all, to skyping with my now roommates and signing a lease- all in a matter of 2 days. It was subletting and packing up my apartment in 13 days. It was sleepovers. It was preparing to move cross-country. It was canceling bills and accounts. It was donating chotchkes and clothes. It was horribly irritating and unsuccessful trips to Plato’s Closet. It was applying for jobs. It was raining sheets of ice followed by warm winter days. It was full of browsing craigslist and creating ads to sell ALL my furniture. It was feeling like I could make it rain from selling said furniture. It was parting from a TV that still had DVD AND VHS and a couch that came back full circle after being passed around the sorority. It was selling my stuff because it was cheaper than shipping it. It was purging and a liberating sense of renewal. It was fitting my life into 16 boxes. It was extreme loneliness and emptiness paralleled by feeling a connection and a sense of comfort that I hadn’t felt in a long time. It was second dates. It was bowling and bets and then time-freezing emails from someone I used to know. It was feeling the thrill of the unknown, of new adventures, of change. It was being optimistic that things were changing for the better. It was goodbye parties and dinners. It was opening up (maybe too soon) and telling personal secrets. It was rejection. It was showering friends with collected gift certificates and booze. It was questioning intentions. It was full of hugs and a variety of emotions. It was longing for the truth on what went wrong. It was being motivated to lose weight because of “just a gut feeling.” It was following my own gut. It was saying goodbye to having my own bathroom, my massive walk-in closet and to living on my own. It was feeling so very loved, missed and grateful for certain friends. It was a botched haircut; again. It was having an old friend fix botched haircut. It was realizing which friends cared that I was leaving town. It was excitement and let-downs. It was remaining positive, calm and collected even with rollercoaster emotions. It was saying goodbye to my parents and my puppy. It was embracing the impending change. It was the excitement and thrill of new adventures and starting fresh. It was confidence that I was doing the right thing. It was wondering what would be if I didn’t move?

Usually January is the time for renewal and fresh starts. For me, January was a time of endings. With a lot of endings, comes a lot of new beginnings. My fresh start begins with February. Everyone says 13 is an unlucky number but I think this is my lucky year. I am excited to see what this year brings.

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