Online Dating Fails: Part 1

Let’s be frank for a minute. Dating is tough. The good ones are few and far between and overshadowed by the copious amount of nut jobs and weirdos. If you expect to only meet someone in a bar or through friends you might find yourself perpetually single. So another valid option today is online dating; you instantly get a lot more options to browse and choose from all while you sit in your underwear. It also gives you a bit of insight as to why some people are single. Between Match, Jdate and OkayCupid, I’ve now gone on more than enough dates and been the recipient of some of the strangest messages.

Through all the weeds, there should be a few good ones out there. So ladies, when you find yours, be sure to hold on to him or you might find yourself on the receiving end of some ridiculous messages like these. Guys, take note of what not to do if you legit want to go on a date.

*I apologize some are too long but grammar, vocab and punctuation have not been altered in any way. These are not all of the messages, nor are they the worst. I wish I had started saving them sooner.

Without further adieu… Enjoy.

  • “Alright, I can tell this profile is fake but can you at least give me the name of model of those pictures you used?”
  • “O two maid of honors?! Were you upset? You’re really cute btw lol” (This was his first message to me. I was okay with two MOH’s, but not okay with his negativity and implying I shouldn’t be. No, thanks)
  • “Finally a girl on here who didn’t write an glorified essay about herself. Dig the profile.”
  • “If you’re looking for a man with a heart of gold and passion of reliving life to the fullest, I think we could make some crazy plans this week. I guess you could call me the shy and mysterious type. I may not speak often, but my words hit you like a Mike Tyson knockout punch. With that said, I think we may have some chemistry then. How about it?”
  • “OMG. Those innocent eyes, those juicy lips, that awesome bod, soo HOOTTT!!……. but enough about me, how u doin?” (Wait, Joey Tribani, is that you?)
  • “Those beautiful eyes, that smooth skin, that cool personality. But enough about me…hows your day?” (These were two different guys…similar cheesy line. Ha!)
  • “Free Massages by Prince Charming. Act now.”
  • “I’ve come to the conclusion I am not be like most people. And I’m probably going to be less and less like most people and at first it will be very lonely…” (slowly…walking…away…. run!)
  • “I THINK I LOVE YOU” (This was first email to me… again run!)
  • “Hey Sexy, I’m in town for work, want to party with me?” – username: KinkMasterSpank. (Can’t make this up)
  • “Hi there – Loved your profile! I think you are fabulous and would love to get to know you better :)  Please drop me a note…would absolutely love to connect!” (That’s a lot of “love” for an intro note…)
  • “Hey! I just signed up here after massive maternal pressure. Have you had any fun?” (This one was obviously from Jdate)
  • “We’re both Jewish… that means something right?”  (Yes it matters to me but, still no. What are you covering up here?)
  • No picture shown: “A little about me… Originally from Baltimore. I am 5’11 185 brn hair and blue eyes, witty, smart, funny, well-groomed, old enough to buy cocktails and young enough to remember where I parked my car. What I do want is great conversation, some laughs, no drama, a few drinks, and some company. I am a passionate smart, successful, yet unpretentious with a great sense of humor. I am confident in my demeanor and is willing to go on adventures… after all life is an adventure. Intrigued?”  - (Nope. Not in the least bit)
  • “How are you doing? Cute smile and beautiful eyes… That is if I maybe so bold as to say. Just wanted to say hi, came across your profile and caught my attention. So wondering if you might like to chat sometime? Would you care to share something about yourself that’s not on your profile. (Nope. I’ve shared what I want to share for now) Well. I will keep this short and simple for now until I hear back from you and see if you are even interested in chatting to begin with. :). Scratch that. I just realized how much I had already written. Lol. Guess it is too late to try and keep this sweet and short. Haha. Looking to reading from you if you are interested in chatting.”
  • “Hi there, I liked your profile and wanted to drop you a note. Will be traveling down your way and I hate eating dinner or drinking a bottle of wine alone.”
  • “Hey There! I liked your profile and if you don’t mind me being so straightforward, I think you’re incredibly attractive. I hope my compliment didn’t offend you in anyway and if it did I apologize in advance. If my compliment made you blush a little and put a smile on your face in a good way, then I think we should chat because I believe we have similar interests and hopefully the chemistry in becoming good friends at first and possible more. I hoped you liked what I had to say and look forward to getting to know more about you. – YourRomanticMan.”
  • (Received on Feb 13, 2013: His location: California. Mine: DC) “Mazel tov! Princess, Tomorrow night I’m taking you out for an AMAZINGLY romantic/fun Valentines Day Dinner. You have the rest of your life to date all these other guys you’re looking through on here- which are NOT the long term answer for you. I am and I plan on proving it starting MANANA. Call me real quick :) Matt  I don’t respond to these messages except this one just pushed me over. My response: “Absolutely not. Addressing a girl you don’t know as a Princess is demeaning and disrespectful. You’re congratulating me (Mazel Tov) like I won a prize? And how do you know that I don’t already have a date for tomorrow? And it is obvious you copied and pasted that to as many girls as possible. We’re not even on the same Coast. No need to respond to me. I am not interested.”
  • “What do I look like to you? You look like my greatest match and the girl next door and my future !”
  • “Okay, so I have a question for you. I normally completely stay away from girls like you, but there’s something about you that has me somewhat intrigued. Maybe it’s the fact that you’re just such a goody too shoes, and I have always wanted to bring a good girl to the dark side! :-P”
  • “63 from South Carolina, but you can call me negative Ned…”  (so I clearly ignored him but then he wrote be a few days later…) “You were like screw that guy. I’m gonna totally ignore him. You’re terrible! ;) On that note, sorry if I’m being too persistent.”  (63 from SC and to call him Negative Ned? Yup, I’m going to ignore that one for sure.)
  • “Hi I’m Jeff, So some things about me I guess? I grew up in Oak Lawn now live in Oak Forest and did a rehab on the inside and now I’m pretty much done just deciding whether or not to put carpet down in the basement or leave the sweet sweet 70’s tile. I have a only one brother and my parents and am close with them… So tell me more about you.”
  • “Seriously I don’t know what to say. Your smile just took all the words from me.”
  • “I just moved out here in September! I notice you are serious about Judaism. If you can overlook that I’m not, I think we’d get along great. Besides, the kids would be Jewish, and that is what really matters, no? ;)” (Nope. That’s not all that matters to me, buddy.)
  • Do you think Jdate should hire a grammar policeman to scroll through profiles and let people know when their spelling and grammar are so poor that it’s just embarrassing to everyone?” (First email. Very strange.)
  • “Heya, my name is Ben. Well, I am Jewish, but I’m not orthodox. I am a “Conservative Jew” but I do not keep Kosher or attend schul every Saturday. I did actually try to teach my friend George Allen Yiddish. Now THAT was funny. I almost taught him the word “schmuck” but decided against it. I was Bar Mitzvah’d. I of course attend High Holidays. I’m a nice intelligent guy and a notorious hard worker. I come from a good family and I work full time. I also am generous. On New Years Eve, when at a party in DC for New Years right before midnight, i stepped outside of the bar where the even was being held. I noticed a poor “bum” on the side of the building asleep. So, I just tossed him over $20 while he was asleep, but also close enough to him so the money wouldn’t be stolen. As my Rabbi said, “It’s important to give to the less fortunate”. Even if the “bum” bought a bottle of booze with the money, I don’t care. The important thing was that I gave him the money, even if he didn’t know, and allowed him to make the choice. If you have time to speak, i’d really like the chance to get to know you. Plus we have a fantastic match rating. Drop me a note if you’d like to talk. I would really like to talk to you.” (There are just no words.)

Have you had any bad pick up lines and emails from online dating? If so, please leave them in the comments and my next post will be compiling your worst online dating experience fails! 

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