How To: The DOs & DON’Ts of how to help a friend get through a breakup

We’ve all been there before.  It doesn’t matter the details of the breakup, whether they were dating 5 weeks or 5 years, if they weren’t serious or if they were engaged. What does matter is that she is hurting and heartbroken and she needs you, her friend.  But we all handle things in different ways.  Not every tactic works for everyone and not everyone wants to be supported or cared for in the same way. Know your friend – but Here are several suggestions on the DO’s and DON’Ts for helping your friend through her breakup through her breakup:

DO be there for her, be supportive and listen: One of the most important things you can do for her is to listen. Let her know that you understand and that you are there for her. She may be a broken record in your eyes, but she needs to talk it out. Be there to just listen.  Be there emotionally, physically and mentally. Tell her she has people in her corner who love and support her and that she is not alone.  When she is lonely, keep her company. Even if you sit in silence or watch TV, she’ll appreciate your mere presence.

DO offer positive & healthy distractions to keep her busy: Encourage her to get out of the house. Help her get involved in fun activities – Take a day trip together, go for a walk, window shop, volunteer for a cause, go to a movie or a concert, go out for dinner, play games, see a comedian, get her a massage. Invite her out to things, have a girl’s night out (or in), or watch an episode of Glee together.  Make sure she is not always alone and get her out of the apartment.

DO reach out just to say hi and that you’re thinking of her via calls, texts, emails, e-cards or even snail mail: Remind her that she is not alone and that someone (you!) care. Be genuine, not nosey. Ask how she is doing or if she prefers space. If she prefers space, that might be just that day. Tomorrow she may want your presence again. If she does want space, she will tell you to stop but still appreciate that at least you cared enough about her to try.  However, most people need to feel loved and thought of and will need their friends to check in on them.

DO NOT set and forget or one and done.  Just because the breakup is not at the forefront of your mind, does not mean that she has moved on, too: One text or call is not enough. Even a few weeks or months later she still needs to know that you care, that you are still thinking about her, and that she is not alone. You may think you are a great friend because you went to dinner with her once or texted twice, but a real true friend continues to reach out consistently, not only in the beginning.

DO encourage her to rediscover herself:  Is there something she has always wanted to do but never done? Anything she never tried like knitting, taking dancing lessons or baking peanut butter cookies because he was allergic? Has she always dreamt of traveling but he was afraid of flying? Encourage her to explore new things, to find new hobbies and passions.

DO NOT make the breakup about you: Let her have this moment. Don’t compare her breakup to your past breakups. She is the one grieving now, so let her work it out. After some time has passed and her wounds are not as fresh and she is doing better and moving on, then you can swap battle stories.

DO have comments & feedback but keep it positive:  It is okay to say, You did the right thing, or I can’t believe he did that to you. BUT…

DO NOT Bash and trash the ex: This is not the time to let all your real feelings out of the bag. Don’t release all the personal complaints you’ve held against him. Avoid criticisms of his personality, looks and habits. She chose at one point to be with that person good or bad so don’t say you never liked him anyway or how ugly he was. What happens on the off-chance they patch things up and get back together? She won’t forget what you said and your comments will likely come back to haunt you. You might think bashing is helpful but it is not supportive behavior. She will go back and forth on hate – be supportive and positive. Don’t hate.

DO make her laugh and have fun together: The breakup shouldn’t end the fun in your friendship.  She will have good days and bad days, but let her know it is okay to laugh and have fun even if she is sad and missing him. Help take her mind of things. Try to make her laugh even when she thinks she doesn’t have it in her to smile.

DO NOT expect her to “get over it” after x amount of time: She doesn’t know how long it will take but she needs to be able to grieve. Time heals so let her have her time. Be patient and understanding. Breakups can be like a death when you lose someone from your life. It is a loss. Let her mourn the relationship. Don’t rush the healing and grieving process.
DO reach out proactively: Don’t wait for her to tell you she is struggling. Check in with her before  she reaches out to you. Knowing that someone is thinking about her (without her bringing it up first) will help her heal faster.
DO NOT forget to say 4 little words: “I’m here for you”: She is venting and heartbroken but she is also probably worried about if she is annoying you, too. Be present, listen, and her confidant. Be encouraging and supportive. She has so much on her plate and is worried about so much. Don’t be another cause of worry for her.

DO respond to her emails or text messages with a little thought of something that shows you care: Even if you do not know what to say, try to say something that makes her feel like you care. Replying only “I’m sorry” to her plea for help is not supportive and screams that you do not care. Instead try, “I’m sorry, is there anything I can? Let’s grab a dinner or coffee soon.”

DO NOT tell her that dating sucks and that there is no one out there. Remind her that this pain won’t last forever: Remind her that she will be happy again and that it gets better.

Do be her personal cheerleader: Breakups can be are a blow to the self-esteem and she may have a lot of self-doubt. She may feel she is not pretty enough, not love-able enough, not fun enough, that she is never going to find another man – etc.  Tell her how wonderful she is, remind her of her great qualities, and how much your friendship means to you.

DO NOT make her cry about her ex in a bar (or anywhere for that matter): She will cry about it anyway. Do not instigate it. Do not try to get the gossip out of her about the details of her breakup. If she wants to talk to you she will. Do not bring up The Ex after she has been drinking. Again, if she wants to talk  about it she will.

DO be a confidant and trust worthy: She is talking to you because she trusts you and needs a friend. Do not be a blabber mouth. Don’t go sharing her stories with others. Show her you care by keeping her trust and stories confidential.

DO NOT get upset with her if she asks you to do her a favor regarding The Ex: If she tells you, “I’m still getting his mail” or “can you please give him his pants that he left at my place” just be a doll and offer to pass along the pants & the mail. It is hard to have The Ex’s stuff still lying around. Help her move on by removing the memories.  She isn’t asking you for this favor to start anything or make you feel uncomfortable. You are her friend and she is looking to you for help. Odds are they are not on speaking terms or it is too painful. ** Note: Once or twice is ok, but you cannot be the monkey in the middle.

DO set boundaries but be polite and subtle: The breakup is hard on both of you. You want to listen and be there for her but it can be stressful for you too. Help yourself and help her at the same time. Be upfront and agree to talk about the situation for 15, 30 minutes, an hour, whatever seems appropriate for you both, with the intention to change subjects after the time has passed. (note: Don’t interrupt her and say TIME’S UP though!) It is good for your mental health as well as hers. This allows you to continue to listen but stops the breakup from taking over her life, too, allowing her to think about and move on to something else.

DO NOT tell her juicy gossip you her about The Ex: Be considerate of her feelings. If you are still friends with The Ex, do not tell her that he slept with Susie Slutface. This will not make her feel better.

MOST IMPORTANT- DO BE A FRIEND!!: Maybe she actually is your first friend to go through a breakup. Maybe you don’t know what encouraging words to say or what to do. Don’t worry about that. You don’t have to talk about the breakup.  Whether she is your first friend to experience a breakup or not, being a friend shouldn’t be unfamiliar territory. You don’t need to reinvent the wheel here- JUST BE HER FRIEND. All she needs is you to be there for her. 

Life after breakups can be very emotional and challenging. She will learn a lot about herself and who her real friends are during this process. Be the friend that you would want to have if you went through this. Being a friend shouldn’t be a foreign language to you, but here are few of my personal favorite things my closest friends are doing to help me: 

  • Coming home to an empty apartment after he moved out was heart wrenching. My ex neighbor turned friend came over and helped me rearrange the couch, do laundry, hang pictures on the newly barren walls, make my bed with said clean sheets. It was the littlest thing but it made such a difference to me.
  • Offer to bring dinner over. If she is anything like me, I have trouble making myself dinner when I’m blue. Bringing her dinner (and eating with her) is one of the most helpful things you can do.
  • Have a girls night & sleep over.  Sounds silly to have sleep overs as an adult but it will mean the world to her, especially if she used to live with The Ex.
  • Fly across country to physically be with me, to hug me and to help cheer me up.
  • I got Snail Mail letters filled with encouragement, support and love from fellow bloggers. Emails are good but getting an actual physical envelope to open really shows her that you care.

*this is all from ‘her’ perspective for consistency but same advice applies to guys.


What do you say to or do for friends when they are going through a breakup? What has helped you move on from your own breakups?  Are you, like me, going through a really tough breakup right now?  Don’t worry, we’ve all been there. You are not alone!


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Twenty Six

           Source: photographyismyescape.tumblr.com via Nathalie on Pinterest

 

Today is Mr Boyfriend’s birthday. He turns 26 so here are 26 reasons why I love him and why I am lucky to call him my boyfriend. In no particular order:

  • He is super thoughtful and sweet!  He sends me e-cards when I’m down or just need a pick-me-up to brighten my day. He sends me flowers at work just to say I love you or to say congratulations for getting a promotion. He even picks up dinner for me when I am sick. 
  • He is generous and has an extremely big heart.  He occasionally surprises me with gifts, doesn’t always make me pay for meals and still takes me out on dates. 
  • He is loyal and makes me happy. 
  • He is honest. Without the slightest doubt in my mind, I know he honors our honesty policy. I know we can trust each other to no end. I can count on him for the truth and for guidance.
  • He cheers me up when I am down. 
  • He does not get jealous when I am talking to other friends, even when they are guys.
  • He is not afraid to hold my purse in public if I need a helping hand.
  • He unconditionally supports and respects me. 
  • He admits when he is wrong and apologizes, even if it takes him a night to sleep on it. And on the other side, he is forgiving.
  • We never go to bed without saying I love you.
  • He deals with all my baggage. Enough said. 
  • He has a really cute tush.
  • He inspires me to be a better person.  
  • He tells me I look beautiful. (Even when my weight fluctuates or I wake up with a lion’s mane).
  • He is genuinely a kind thoughtful and caring person.  
  • He knows how to grill and he is a great cook.
  • We can look at each other and without a word gauge how the other is feeling. 
  • He has good family values that match mine. He even calls his parents and grandparents frequently. On that note, he treats my family and family friends with utmost respect as if they were his own, even if he has never met them before. 
  • He treats me really well and makes me feel special like a princess. 
  • I know without a doubt he will always be faithful.
  • He holds my hand and is not afraid to show his love for me in public and not in the nasty PDA way. 
  • He doesn’t mind going shopping with me, as long as we eat first.
  • He is himself around me and doesn’t put on an act. He is not afraid to show me his emotional side either.
  • He is really smart and is very financially responsible. He passed his CPA on the first try!
  • He has healthy and clean habits and he doesn’t smoke.
  • He knows a clean apartment is key in order to keep my sanity, so he is trying to pick up after himself. He has improved drastically over the years!
AND OF COURSE ONE FOR GOOD LUCK…
   27. HE (unconditionally) LOVES ME FOR ME.


For his gift, I got him tickets to a Soundgarden concert and a private golf lesson.  Because neither are tangible gifts that he could open, I made these gifts on says-it.com.  The site has some very creative customizable do-it yourself signs.  I then printed and laminated them so he had something to open.  How cute are these?! And they were free! 



Happy Birthday Mr. Boyfriend! I am honored to have you in my life and am grateful that I am able to call you mine. You have enriched my life in so many ways. You are a true gem. I hope we have many many future birthdays to celebrate together.

Here is my favorite birthday song, just for you.  Happy Birthday!


I love you!


Love, Caryn

Chicken Noodle Soup Minus The Chicken

I was originally going to write a different post, but Mr. Boyfriend had to swoop in and be the amazing boyfriend that he is, so change of plans.

I have been coughing for nearly two weeks now.  In the mornings, I either sound like I swallowed a frog, have no voice, or the opposite, I sound like a man. None of which, believe me, are sexy sounds. My cough is guttural and resembles a choking goose. During the day, I feel better, but it often gets worse after 9PM.  Sometimes it is so bad I think I might vomit from the intensity. Being that is two weeks and an empty bottle of Robitussin later, I thought if I went to the Dr. she would tell me nothing was wrong and that whatever it was, allergies or a cold, was already on its way out.  However, Mr. Boyfriend said, “This is not like you. You have a strong immune system, go to the Dr.” So I made an appointment. (Major side points, he wanted to come with me to the Dr. to make sure I was okay.)

Turns out I have Bronchitis. Now, this is not a sympathy post, I just want to share what was waiting for me when I came home from work!

He left work early, went to Whole Foods to pick up dinner for me, and surprised me when I got home! He got sushi (my favorite!) and chicken noodle soup with a bread roll to help me feel better.  He knows I hate chicken so the soup intentionally had very little chicken. We are Lactards so for dessert he bought diary free cookie dough ice cream, “because my throat is probably sore from all the coughing.”  And of course a peanut butter Carol’s Cookie, just because he couldn’t resist it in the checkout line.  How thoughtful and sweet!! How did I get so lucky to have such an amazing boyfriend!?  I will surely feel better with him around!  This may be one of the sweetest things anyone has done for me.

Now lets hope these antibiotics kick in. I have to be in tip top shape for the busy weekends ahead!

Everyone likes to be taken care of sometimes.  What is the sweetest thing someone has done for you?




Love, Caryn



Delivery for Me?

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The mail-room guy comes by every day, and usually he just passes by. But yesterday afternoon, he stopped at my desk with these!  My boyfriend sent me this bouquet of 100 gorgeous flowers!  What a lovely way to start my day this morning. I am so lucky to have him.  He is a keeper!  🙂

Love, Caryn